


Immeasurable Joy

by GhostInTheBAU



Series: In the Mourning [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Past Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Past Suicidal Thoughts, Jack is such a sweetheart, M/M, Moving On, Sexual Content, Slash, Spoilers for Doctor Who (The Return of Doctor Mysterio), Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 21:15:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9677858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostInTheBAU/pseuds/GhostInTheBAU
Summary: It's Spencer's first Valentine's Day since Aaron's death, and he finds himself alone in the house he'd shared with his lover.Takes place about six months afterThis House.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Was originally written as a companion piece to another fic in a Valentine's Day writing challenge; however, I exceeded the max word count....surprise surprise. I only mention this because if you've read the other fic, [All of Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9648044), then you'll notice something similar in this and I wanted you to know why that was. :)

“ _ **The sorrow we feel when we lose a loved one is the price we pay to have had them in our lives.”**_

_**\- Rob Liano** _

 

Spencer watched as Jack climbed into the passenger's seat of the car, throwing his backpack behind him as he did so and then snapping his seat belt in place.

“Hey, buddy. Did you have a good day at school?”

“Yeah, it was okay. We had a Valentine's party and I got a lotta candy.”

Spencer gave his son a small smile and began to pull out of the parking space. Today was Valentine's Day. He'd tried very hard not to think about it, but having all the lovey dovey merchandise vomited at him everywhere he went really hadn't helped to keep his mind off it. This was his first Valentine's Day since Aaron had left....or, since he'd gone away. Fuck....since Aaron had _died_. Why was it so difficult for him to acknowledge the simple fact that the man he loved wasn't just _gone?_ Why did he have such a hard time actually saying it? Or thinking it, for that matter? Of course, he understood the psychological reasoning behind it, it was a common coping mechanism. He just never thought he'd be that common, or that ordinary. It was a first for him.

He'd experienced several firsts since the love of his life had died. There had been many first holidays....some proved more painful to get through than others.

The first one had been Halloween, which was easier to survive than Spencer had expected considering it was his favorite holiday. He had Jack to thank for that. He'd been so preoccupied with getting the boy ready for trick or treating—he'd chosen to go as Captain America—and then taking him around the neighborhood that he hadn't had time to let his thoughts linger on the emptiness he felt. He'd been too busy to dwell on the fact that there was a piece of their family absent.

Thanksgiving was a bit more difficult for him to manage. He'd had a hard time trying to find something to be thankful for, so when his friends had all gone around the table saying what it was that _they_ were all thankful for, he'd just stood and gave the only answer that came to his mind. It was the obvious answer, the easy one, the expected one; he was thankful for Jack, and his mother, and all of them. He was thankful for his friends. And he most definitely was....he loved Jack more than anything else in the world, and he truly was immeasurably thankful for everyone that he had in his life, he just wished that that population still included Aaron.

Christmas was absolutely brutal. He realized now, with perfect clarity, why so many people fell into deep depression during the holidays—why there was always a spike in suicides and suicide attempts at Christmas time. People didn't want to deal with the overwhelming emptiness they felt during the season. He got that now; he could completely understand the feeling, not that he thought much on suicide anymore. He hadn't seriously contemplated it since the day of the funeral, but it was always in the back of his mind. He never thought he'd truly go through with it, though; Jack was just too important. The boy needed him now more than ever and he would never willingly leave him. So again, he had Jack to thank for getting him through Christmas.

He'd spent New Years Eve drunk, so that one was easier to handle. Well, drunk could have been an overstatement, but he had at least been sufficiently buzzed for the occasion. The team had spent the evening together at a bar, and JJ and Emily both kissed him on opposite cheeks when the ball dropped. There was a picture of the moment captured and posted somewhere online, on one of Garcia's many social media sites....probably all of them, actually. 

Thankfully, throughout the last six months and all the holidays that went with them he'd managed to stay clean. The closest he'd come to destroying his sobriety was the night he'd called Morgan crying out for help. Derek had saved his life that night, coming to his house and picking him up off the closet floor....a trembling mess of raw emotions, addiction and desperation. He would be forever grateful to the man for coming to his aid, for ripping the drugs out of his hands and for dragging him into a meeting. He'd been to several since then, usually at least once a week. He'd probably need to go to another one soon. Possibly even today.

Today, because it was Valentine's Day; another holiday first for him. He'd spent many Valentine's Days alone in the past, but this was the first time since he and Aaron had gotten together five years ago that he would be single and alone. It seemed like the hardest hurdle to climb, being alone on the most romantic day of the year....even if that day was insanely commercialized. Aaron had always made it meaningful and special for both Spencer and Jack. Maybe getting through the day would be made easier for him if he did everything he could to make it special for Jack. If he just focused on his son, he'd be too busy to think about himself and his own feelings.

Besides, he really didn't want to go back to the house just yet. Obviously he'd gotten used to the new atmosphere the place exuded, an atmosphere of quiet emptiness even when the two of them were there. It still didn't feel quite like home, but at least it didn't feel quite as cold anymore. Aaron's things were still there for the most part; Spencer couldn't bring himself to actually get rid of anything. He'd cleared out certain items, though, and stored them away in the attic out of his sight. The bathroom held only his own toiletries and towels. His shampoo, conditioner and body wash were the only ones in the shower. All of Aaron's signature suits had been moved into the guest room closet. He'd bought new sheets to fit a smaller bed because there had been no way he could continue sleeping in the one he'd shared with Aaron. For now, that bed frame and mattress were in the garage. But some of the little things remained right where Aaron had left them. His favorite coffee mug sat next to the coffee maker on the counter, all of his marathon medals and ribbons were hung in the office they'd shared, and his cell phone still sat on the nightstand in their room.

“I was thinking,” he began, coming out of his thoughts and meeting eyes with Jack for just a moment as he cleared his throat, “How would you like to go see a movie? Then maybe grab some ice cream before we go home?”

“Really?” Jack's eyes lit up and he gave Spencer a bright smile, “A movie and then ice cream BEFORE dinner?”

“Sure,” Spencer laughed. He loved when he could bring joy to Jack's face. It was really one of the only things that he still looked forward to....making the boy happy. Seeing Jack's excitement now warmed his heart and he smiled back, “Maybe ice cream can be our dinner tonight. Why not?”

"I agree." Jack gave him a stern look and a serious nod, “That's a most excellent idea, Papa."

That look had SSA Aaron Hotchner written all over it, and Spencer felt his chest clench painfully tight for just a moment. It amazed him exactly how much Jack looked like his father in certain instances. A tiny shiver ran through his body, then he shook the thought away as he asked, “What movie would you like to see? Your choice.”

“Is Rogue One still out? Some guys in class were talking about how awesome it is. They said it was the best Star Wars movie ever!”

“Well, let's just go over there and find out. If it's not playing, we'll pick something else. Deal?” Spencer looked over to Jack and they shared one more smile as he drove toward the theater.

 

* * *

 

The movie had been amazing, just as Jack had said. Maybe not the 'best one ever', but still pretty awesome. K-2SO was his favorite, but he always did have a weakness for anything Alan Tudyk did. They'd stuffed themselves full of Raisinets, popcorn and soda during the show, then went to the Stone Cold Creamery on the way home and proceeded to stuff themselves even more with ice cream. It had been a wonderful distraction from the mental ache he'd been feeling earlier in the day.

Spending time with Jack always seemed to lift his spirits, though, so he shouldn't be surprised. He'd been touched when the boy had chosen to stay with him instead of Jessica. Aaron's will had stipulated that it be Jack's decision where he wanted to live, and Spencer would be forever grateful to the little boy for giving him the love and strength to keep going. If it wasn't for him, Reid didn't know if he would have survived the last six months. Jack seemed to be dealing with his father's death so much better than him, and he kind of envied the kid's resilience.

When they arrived home, Jack ran to his room to put his backpack up and Spencer went to the kitchen in search of something to offset all the sugar the two had consumed over the course of the afternoon. He didn't even want to think about how much candy Jack had eaten _before_ school had let out because of that party. If Aaron knew what Spencer had let their son eat today he'd be appalled. Maybe. Or maybe he'd understand and cut him a bit of slack for the day. A tiny half smile crossed his lips at the thought, and then he heard the home phone ring, but it stopped before he could answer it.

A moment later, Jack came into the kitchen with a wary look on his face. Having a look like that on your face after a phone call was hardly ever a good sign. It usually meant the person on the other end had terrible news for you; that had been Spencer's experiences anyway, mostly with his mother. “What is it?” he anxiously questioned.

“That was, um, Hunter. He wants to know if I can spend the night at his house tonight.” Jack gave him a sad look and then hesitantly continued, shaking his head, “But....I told him that I didn't wanna go. I don't wanna leave you here all alone, Papa. Not today.”

Spencer felt tears begin to sting his eyes. He could tell Jack wanted to go to his friend's house and he was moved that the boy would choose to stay with him instead just so he wouldn't be lonely. He realized how incredibly blessed he was to have him in his life, but he also didn't want to be the reason Jack missed out on being a kid. "Oh, Jack," he sighed, "Kiddo, listen to me...." He bent down to look Jack in the eyes, cleared his throat and choked back tears, “You don't have to be worried about me. I'll be okay if you wanna go spend some time with your friend.”

“Do—Do you promise? 'Cause I don't want you to be all sad here by yourself. I don't want you to be alone."

He gave the boy a genuine smile and placed a kiss to his forehead. “I promise,” he whispered, and he tried to mean it, “I'm gonna be just fine. Now, go get ready and tell Hunter you'll see him soon.”

Jack lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Spencer's neck and giving him a vigorous hug. “Thanks, Papa,” he said, then pulled away and very seriously added, “But you'll call me if you get sad. If you get sad I'll come right home. Promise me?”

“Yeah, buddy,” he murmured, “I promise.”

Jack gave him a smile and a kiss on the cheek, then ran to his room to pack a bag.

 

* * *

 

An hour later Jack was out the door and walking to Hunter's house. The other boy only lived two blocks away, and the neighborhood was quite safe, so Spencer wasn't too worried about him walking there unsupervised. He'd done it often, and he had his cell phone with him. He _was_ worried, however, that he may have just lied to his son. He didn't know if he was going to be okay here alone, in this house by himself. It was already beginning to feel colder to him, and he could sense all his memories threatening to come crashing in through the vulnerability of the day.

His body felt tense, his neck sore from the emotional stress manifesting itself, and his mind was fighting off that tiny itch of desire in his veins for something he knew wouldn't actually fix any of his problems. All it would do was make him not care about anything, and that was unacceptable. He had too much to keep fighting for. Jack needed him, and he couldn't compromise that.

Sighing, he scratched at the crook of his arm as he moved through the all too quiet house and into the master bathroom, turning on the water in the tub and waiting for it to warm up. A nice, hot shower would do his aching muscles good and hopefully relieve some of the stress from his body. Then, sleep. Tomorrow would be a new day, and there would be no more major holidays to struggle through, at least not for a while.

Once it was to his liking, he shed his clothes and melted into the hot water as it flowed down his skin, turning red from the temperature. He'd always loved hot showers, the hotter the better, really. Scalding, even. It had driven Aaron crazy. Any time they'd wanted to shower together Spencer would have to be the one to concede to cooler temperatures. They'd always found other ways to heat the showers up, though. Humming, he closed his eyes and let the steam surround him as his mind and his hand slowly began to roam....

 

_Nails rake down his side and over his hip, then fingers snake across his skin and travel lower....wrapping firmly around him and stroking up. He lets out a long, lusty moan, but the water pelting across the both of them muffles the sound. Their bodies, hot and slick, move together in familiar unison. Aaron's pace picks up, thrusting deep into him from behind, and his hands cling to the tiles....desperately seeking purchase as he's pushed against the wall. Warmth presses along his back, the hand working his cock twists_ oh just right _, breath tickles his ear, and a velvet voice purrs into the steam._

“ _Let me feel you come....”_

_He shivers and gasps as stars cascade across his vision; then he's pulsing in Aaron's hand, his release pouring out and mixing with the water as it trails down the wall in front of him._

_Through the pleasure high of his orgasm, he vaguely notices hands moving to his hips and gripping tight, holding him still. A moment later he's being vigorously pounded into, and he braces against the wall again, his breath hitching as he does his best to hold on through it all._

_The motion of the cock inside him begins to stutter. There's one, two, three more thrusts; then hips snap forcefully forward and he can feel the wave of his lover's climax deep within as their shared cries of ecstasy fill the space._

_Then Aaron's chest is against his back, his lover's nose nuzzles his neck, and the silky smooth voice returns to his ear._

“ _So beautiful, Spencer....and so completely_ mine _.”_

_He nods, breathlessly tries to answer._

“ _I'm always yours....”_

 

A strangled cry ripped its way out of his throat as waves of pure bliss shot through every inch of his body, pulling him back to the present moment. His legs were shaking beneath him and his hand was covered in a hot, sticky mess as the flesh in his hold rapidly began to soften. Gasping for air, he let go of his spent member and began to wash away the evidence of what he'd just done. The last thing he'd planned to do in the shower was masturbate, but once thoughts of Aaron invaded his mind he was lost in the memory. He hadn't even realized he'd been jacking off. He really needed to stop himself before something like that ever started. Sure, it felt great _during_....but once it was over it never failed to leave him with a gaping feeling of emptiness.

Sighing, he turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, pulling a towel from the rack and beginning to dry his dripping hair. He moved along his skin, systematically patting his face, his chest, stomach, and legs. Then he startled when he heard a knock on the front door. He certainly wasn't expecting anyone. Maybe Jack had forgotten something; but if he had he wouldn't have knocked....unless he forgot his key.

His brows furrowed and Spencer quickly wrapped the towel around his waist while he moved into the living room, then to the door. When he opened it he was shocked to discover not Jack but Derek Morgan standing on the other side.

“Hey, Pretty Boy,” he grinned, lowering his shades to peek at him from over the rims, “Nice look.”

Spencer glanced down at his chest and realized that he was, for the most part, standing naked in front of his best friend. He felt heat rising in his cheeks, and he self-consciously curled his arms around his middle. “Morgan?” he stammered, “W-What—What are you doing here?”

“I thought you might want a little company,” he answered with a cheesy grin, then held up a bag and a DVD, “And I brought Chinese and Doctor Who.”

“You _do_ know I already have all the Doctor Who DVDs, right?” he asked, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth when he saw Morgan examine the box.

“Yeah, okay, but do you have....” he squinted and read the title that was written in messy script on the blank cover, “The Return of Doctor Mysterio?”

Spencer's eyes widened in shock and confusion. “That's last year's Christmas special,” he mumbled, “It's not even out on DVD yet. How did you—“

“Let's just say my Baby Girl has some hidden talents,” Morgan answered, cutting him off, and Reid snatched the case out of the other man's hand before he could be stopped.

It was obviously a bootleg copy, with a blank white cover that just had 'The Return of Doctor Mysterio' written suspiciously in Garcia's handwriting. He hadn't watched it yet. He hadn't really been in the mood for any zany adventures with The Doctor and his companions, but having it in his hands kind of made him feel a bit giddy. A spark of excitement shot through him, something that he hadn't felt in ages, but it was quickly followed by a pang of guilt. He was actually looking forward to something he'd enjoyed before his life had been drastically altered, and he didn't know how to feel about it. Was it alright to feel okay sometimes? Or was it a betrayal to Aaron? Intellectually he knew the answer, but emotionally he was struggling with it all. He looked back up to Morgan and quirked a brow, “You know, we really shouldn't watch this. It's an illegal copy and we _are_ Federal agents.”

“Oh, well if you don't wanna then I'll just take it back,” Morgan started, reaching for the disc.

Hastily, though, Spencer stepped away, out of the man's reach, “Hey, I didn't say we _weren't_ going to watch it. I just said that we _shouldn't_.” He stepped further back and motioned for Derek to come inside, which he did with a chuckle. “Um, I'm just gonna go change if you wanna grab some plates out of the kitchen?”

“You got it, Kid.”

Spencer turned to head toward the bedroom, calling back over his shoulder, “And there's beer in the fridge if you want!”

Quickly, he changed into some sweat pants and a Star Trek shirt, grabbing a pair of mismatched socks on his way out the door. When he entered the living room Morgan was perched on the couch pulling all the food containers out of the paper bag. Two open beers sat on the coffee table, along with plates and forks. He leered at the chopsticks that were also present and noticed a teasing grin momentarily cross his friend's face. Letting out a low, tired sigh, he plopped down next to him.

The TV was already on and the DVD was in the player. He couldn't help but wonder if Derek had planned to come over all along and just hadn't said anything to him. Surely the man had better things to do on Valentine's Day than hang out with him. “I thought you'd have a hot date tonight,” he questioned, breaking the silence as he glanced over at his friend, “You know, just because I'm single doesn't mean you have to miss out on Suzie or Veronica or Ashley....you know, whoever your flavor of the week is.”

“Well, smarty pants, it just so happens that I _do_ have a date.”

Spencer looked at him skeptically.

“You're my date, Pretty Boy!” he grinned, punching Reid's upper arm in a playful manner. Spencer rolled his eyes but continued to listen as Morgan's voice dropped, turning a bit more serious. Genuine concern was laced in the man's soft tone as he continued, “Besides, I know this is your first Valentine's Day without him here. I didn't want you sittin' all alone here in this house if there was something I could do about it. There are more important things than hot dates on made up holidays, you know.”

Reid's heart began to beat a little faster at the mention of _him_ , and he anxiously sat up, tucking some rogue strands of hair behind his ears. He looked at the bottle of beer sitting on the table in front of him and grabbed it, taking a huge swig. He'd never really cared for beer, and it tasted disgusting, but he always got jittery when Aaron was brought up in conversation and he'd needed something to do with his hands before they started to shake. He didn't wanna talk about Aaron. What he _did_ want to talk about was the fact that Morgan knew he was here by himself. “How did you know I was alone?” he asked, then took another sip off the bottle.

Jack going to Hunter's house had been a last minute decision, after all. There was no way Morgan could have know about it. Unless he had the place bugged. That was probably not the case, but something else much more realistic rapidly dawned on him. He turned and gave his friend a scrutinizing glare, “He called you, didn't he?”

The look on Derek's face gave him his answer before any words were spoken. That sneaky little boy had gone behind his back and called his best friend to come over and babysit him. He was being looked after by a ten year old....a sweetheart of a ten year old, but still. He was supposed to be the one taking care of Jack, not the other way around.

“He was worried about you, Reid. He didn't want his Papa to be alone tonight and he knew you'd say you were okay to get him to go over to his friend's house. He knows you well.”

Spencer felt a tear escape his eye and roll down his cheek before he could catch it and wipe it away. Jack never ceased to amaze him. He knew how hard Aaron's death had been on the boy and he'd tried to be there for him whenever he needed someone to hold him and cry with him. But it appeared that Jack was doing his part to take care of Spencer as well. Maybe it was okay that they were taking care of each other.

“Hey, Kid,” Morgan murmured, “You're gonna be alright, you know. You're not alone here. You have Jack." He paused for a moment, then shook his head, "That kid loves you so freakin' much; and he's fiercely protective of you, too.”

His misty gaze met Derek's and he gave the man a quick smile and brief nod of his head in lieu of saying anything because he was afraid his voice would break with the effort. He knew he wasn't alone, intellectually, but his heart was finally beginning to realize it as well. The evidence was right in front of him.

“He takes after his dad in that regard, wanting to protect you....” Derek softly laughed, “And you've got the team. All the girls adore you and Rossi thinks you're his surrogate son.” He brought a hand up to Spencer's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, “And I will _always_ be here for you, whenever you need me. You know that, right? I don't care about blood—as far as I'm concerned, you're my brother, and I love you. You may not have Aaron with you right now, and that really fuckin' sucks, but you're not alone, Reid. You don't have to do any of this alone.”

He swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded again, still not trusting his voice to work properly. He was starting to get that he wasn't by himself in this, and he was so grateful to Jack for calling Morgan. “Thank you,” he finally whispered, voice cracking at the end. He licked his lips and looked down at the food. He just wanted to veg out and get lost in something before he completely broke down. “We should, um, probably eat before it gets cold.” With a small grin he glanced back up at Derek and added, “Besides, I can't wait to introduce you to the Doctor.”

They quickly plated their food and settled into the couch cushions, comfortably sitting side by side as the DVD began to play. This was good. It was good to be here with his friend. He still felt the pang of emptiness and the sting of sadness in his chest, but it wasn't accompanied by the overwhelming hopelessness that he'd been plagued with for so long. He almost felt like Aaron was right there with them, watching as the Ghost flew off into the sky with Lucy and the alien ship in tow, saving New York from total and utter destruction. He was so immersed in the story, in fact, that he wasn't paying attention to his drink and ended up spilling half the lukewarm bottle down his shirt and onto his lap.

“Damn!” he hissed.

Morgan looked over, simpering, “Graceful as ever, Kid.”

“Yeah....um, I'll be....right back.” He hopped up, paused the show and scurried down the hall to change his clothes.

He could hear Derek chuckling behind him as he went, and he felt a trail of beer dripping onto the floor with each step he took. When he entered the bedroom, he shut the door and leaned against it as he collected his thoughts. It had been a much more pleasant evening than he'd expected and he was once again fighting back a slight feeling of guilt. He knew, or at least had hoped that eventually the pain of Aaron's death would lessen and he would be able to enjoy these parts of his life again. He just didn't realize it would happen this soon. Part of him felt like his grief kept him tied to Aaron, and if the pain of his loss diminished so would the link. That though scared him, terrified him even; and although he didn't want to continue hurting he also never wanted to lose the connection the two of them shared.

In that moment he was struck with a desperate need to feel that closeness, and his eyes traced down to the bottom drawer of the dresser as he began to anxiously chew on his lower lip. That drawer was where Aaron had kept all his old, comfortable t-shirts and sleep pants. Spencer hadn't been able to open it yet. He hadn't felt strong enough....not until now. Having his best friend right in the other room gave him the courage to dive into some of the memories he'd been trying to avoid.

Cautiously he sat down and pulled the drawer out, and he was immediately overwhelmed by the scent of his lover's cologne....strong and fresh and achingly familiar. His breath hitched as memories began to flood his mind, instantly transporting him to a different time that they'd been in this room....

 

“ _That shirt is huge on you.”_

_Aaron laughs and pulls him into his arms. Teeth graze his neck, breath heats his skin, lips trail up to his ear. A kiss just behind the shell sends shivers down his spine and he wraps his arms around his lover's neck._

_A whisper fills the space between them._

“ _But you know, Spencer, I do love seeing you in my clothes.”_

_He nods, grinning against a roughly stubbled jaw._

“ _I love smelling my scent on you....all over you...._ claiming _you.”_

_He pulls away just enough to look Aaron in the eyes and smirks, “You would, Mr. Alpha Male."_

_A hand travels down to the small of his back and then cups his ass, pulling their groins firmly together._

_He moans at the feel of Aaron's arousal against him and teasingly murmurs against soft lips, “Why do you think I'm wearing it?”_

_Their mouths connect, tongues dart in and out of smooth heat for just a moment and then retreat._

_He sighs._

“ _I love you.”_

_Aaron smiles and their foreheads meet, resting against one another._

“ _I love you, too. No matter what, Baby, I will always love you.”_

 

He came out of the memory and took a deep, shuddering breath; but instead of wanting to crumple into a broken heap on the floor, Spencer softly smiled. He took one of the shirts out of the drawer and brought it up to his face, covering his nose and breathing in the scent as he closed his eyes and savored the feel of the ultra soft fabric against his skin. It reminded him of lazy mornings lying in bed, his head resting on Aaron's chest as the man ran fingers through his hair. Setting it down, he pulled the wet shirt he was still wearing up and over his head, then stood and shimmied out of his sweat pants. He grabbed the over-sized FBI shirt and put it on, rummaging through Aaron's drawer after for a pair of pants he thought might fit. He pulled some out and easily slipped into them, cinching the drawstring tight around his thin waist so they'd stay on. He was just about to shut the drawer when his eyes caught sight of a little black square pushed against the back corner.

Leaning down, he picked it up and felt his heart immediately leap into his throat. It was a small, black, velvet-covered box; and there were only a few things he could think of that could possibly be in a box like that. Sinking back to the floor, he fumbled around with it, his hands shaking terribly until it finally opened. When he saw what was hidden within, he gasped.

There was a ring nestled securely inside. It had a thick band of platinum with what looked like a Gallifreyan design etched along the outside. It was gorgeous, and also appeared to be the perfect size for his ring finger. His eyes grew wide, and he hesitantly pulled the ring out to examine it closer. A moment later his breath stilled in his chest. There was an inscription engraved on the inside of the band.

 

_~ Spencer, I will love you throughout all of time and space ~_

 

“Oh my god, Aaron....” he breathed, a hand coming up to cover trembling lips. 

Understanding crashed over him as he stared at the object in his hold. Aaron had bought a ring. He'd hidden it away so Spencer wouldn't stumble upon it. He had intended to ask him to marry him.

The emotions running through his mind were all jumbled together in a mess of happiness and sorrow. He felt waves of pure joy and elation mixed with pulses of agonizing anguish and despair. Thoughts of what the future could have been like if Aaron had been able to ask him the question that went along with the ring assaulted his mind. Aaron had truly loved him and had wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Spencer never thought something like that would happen; he never thought he'd find a love like that, but he had. He hadn't even known it at the time, but he'd found the epic love that he'd thought impossible.

Aaron _had_ spent the rest of his life with Spencer, and now Spencer would spend the rest of his treasuring their love and the memories they'd shared. That's what he decided he was going to do. Instead of being utterly heartbroken over the lost potential, he was going to cherish what he and Aaron had. Not even death could take that away from them.

Carefully, he slipped the ring on his finger and marveled at the perfect fit. It was beautiful and it felt completely and immeasurably _right._ This was a way for him to start moving on and yet still be able to keep Aaron with him. Still remain connected. He would carry the love of his life with him throughout the rest of his days, and he was okay with that. That didn't mean it wouldn't still hurt, but it did mean that he would get through the pain. He was okay with being physically alone for the time being because he knew he was never truly alone. If he needed someone, they would be there for him in a heartbeat. The evidence of that was sitting right in the other room.

As if on cue, he heard Morgan's soft voice on the other side of the door.

“Hey Pretty Boy? You doin' okay in there?”

“Yeah,” his eyes darted to the door and then back down to the ring on his finger as he smiled, “Yeah, I'm okay. I'll just—I'll be out in a minute.”

“Alright, but you better hurry or I'm gonna finish without ya. I gotta know what's goin' on with the Doc and this twenty-four year thing.”

Spencer laughed as he heard Derek walk back down the hall. He didn't even know how to begin to explain The Doctor and River Song's relationship and the fact that the one night he'd spent with her on another planet equated to twenty-four years on Earth.

God, he wished he had twenty-four years left with Aaron. Or twenty-four days, or hours, or even minutes. But he didn't have any more time, all he had was the past—his memories—his _wonderful_ memories. For the first time in months, he thought back on more of their shared moments and found himself smiling instead of crying, and he truly felt like he was going to make it. He was happy he had them to look back on; they were more precious than anything tangible, even more so than the beautiful ring he now wore.

He also realized that he still had things he needed to do here, important things. He had Jack, the most amazing little boy to raise. He wouldn't let Aaron down; he would help their son grow into the man his father always knew he could be. His mother needed him as well, now more than ever with her declining health. He had wonderful friends and the most amazing best friend anyone could ever ask for. And he had a job that he loved and that allowed him to help others. Obviously he knew he would still have bad days; he wasn't naive, he knew how the process worked. He would continue to grieve Aaron's loss for the rest of his life, but he _had_ the rest of his life, something he wasn't so sure about six months ago.

He swallowed thickly, then softly and hesitantly whispered into the silence of the room, “I....I love you, you know. I will always love you, Aaron,” he smiled, “Always. Throughout all of time and space. No matter what happens, you'll never leave my heart, and I will always cherish the time we had together....and all the joy we shared.” He stared down once more at his hand and then brought it up to his chest, covering his heart, “Because we really did have _so_ _much joy_ , Baby. You made me _so_ happy, and even if it hurts to think about those times, I will still treasure them....forever....and I'll—I'll be okay.” He paused and closed his eyes, letting Aaron's scent wash over him before continuing with a renewed strength and conviction, “I promise you, Aaron, Jack and I will be okay. Wherever you are, please don't worry about that. We'll take care of each other until we can see you again.”

He stood on slightly wobbly legs and placed the empty ring box back into the drawer before carefully closing it. As he moved towards the door he felt a warm, peaceful calmness wash over him; and in that moment he realized with absolute certainty that he still had everything left to live for and immeasurable joys to look forward to.

 

“ _ **Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”**_

_**\- Dr. Seuss** _

 

Fin

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.  
>  Here's the inspiration for Spencer's ring:
> 
> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/153129892@N05/24342348078/in/dateposted-public/)


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